A gentler way to navigate Special Day’s after loss, change or being single
Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Birthdays - can be lovely, as can any other ‘special’ day. It can also be mildly irritating!
There you are, innocently buying milk, while the supermarket appears to have been attacked by red hearts, roses, champagne and enormous teddy bears declaring undying devotion.
If you have a partner, perhaps you enjoy it. Perhaps you don’t even mark the day.
But if you are on your own because of bereavement, separation, circumstance or choice, Valentine's Day can sometimes highlight what is missing rather than what is already present.
And that can hurt.
You are allowed to miss what you had
If you once shared anniversaries, meals, presents, jokes, holidays and ordinary Tuesday evenings with someone, occasions such as Valentine's Day may bring these memories sharply back.
You do not have to pretend otherwise.
But there is an important distinction between missing someone and deciding that because they are no longer beside you, love has disappeared from your life.
It hasn't.
Love comes in many forms.
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Friendship.
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Family.
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Animals.
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Nature.
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Community.
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Memories.
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Creativity.
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And importantly, your relationship with yourself.
Here is a question worth sitting with:
When did you last deliberately do something lovely purely because it would make YOU happy?
Not because it was useful.
Not because someone else needed it.
Not because you had finished all your chores.
Just because you wanted to.
Hmm. Thought so.
What would make the day feel good or even Great?
Rather than asking:
"What would I normally have done with a partner?"
try asking:
"What would make this particular day feel good for me now?"
The answers may be completely different.
Perhaps you want company.
Perhaps you want glorious solitude.
Maybe you want a walk by the sea, lunch with a friend, a film in the afternoon or an unnecessarily luxurious bath at three o'clock.
Perhaps you want to buy yourself flowers.
Why not?
They do not check your relationship status at the florist.
You could cook something you genuinely love rather than something sensible.
Use the nice plate.
Light the candle.
Put some music on.
Open the good chocolates.
Although perhaps not all of them. Future You may have views on that.
What does being cared for actually mean to you?
This is where the idea becomes more interesting.
Being loved is not only about receiving presents.
It can mean feeling:
safe
heard
comfortable
valued
rested
connected
free
cherished
noticed
able to be yourself.
So ask yourself:
What makes me feel cared for?
Where in my life am I already receiving love that I perhaps overlook?
What am I waiting for somebody else to give me that I could begin giving myself?
Those questions can take Valentine's Day somewhere rather deeper than roses and heart-shaped chocolates.
Reach out rather than wait
If you would enjoy company, don't sit quietly hoping somebody magically remembers.
Ring them.
Invite them.
Message them.
Arrange coffee.
Suggest a walk.
Tell somebody you would like to see them.
Connection often begins because one person was brave enough to make the first move.
You might also know somebody else who will be spending Valentine's Day alone.
A five-minute phone call, handwritten card or spontaneous invitation could completely change their day too.
Love does not become smaller when you share it.
Do something unexpected
One of the pleasures of being on your own is that nobody can object to your plan.
Fancy breakfast for supper?
Excellent.
Want to go dancing?
Go.
Want to spend three hours gardening followed by cake?
Entirely reasonable.
Want to wear your best clothes simply because they make you feel fabulous?
Even better.
Ask yourself:
If I weren't worrying about what people might think, what would I genuinely enjoy doing today?
There may be a much more playful version of you waiting underneath years of practicality and responsibility.
Let them out occasionally.
They probably need the exercise.
Love belongs to ordinary days too
Perhaps the most useful thing Valentine's Day can remind us is that love should not be reserved for one day in February.
Make your favourite meal.
Phone someone.
Buy the flowers.
Walk somewhere beautiful.
Play music.
Rest.
Laugh.
Create something.
Tell someone you love them.
And treat yourself as though your wellbeing matters.
Because it does.
Your relationship with yourself is, after all, the longest relationship you will ever have.
It deserves rather more attention than the occasional emergency cup of tea.
One question to take away
What is one loving thing you could do for yourself this week that you would normally wait for somebody else to do?
Do that.
And perhaps Special Day’s become not a reminder of what is missing, but an invitation to notice just how much love is still available.
If creating more comfort, calm and wellbeing around you would help, download my free Your Sanctuary Checklist: Creating a Home That Heals at bit.ly/myhomechecklist.
Because sometimes self-care begins with the space you wake up in every morning.
If you have found this helpful, engaging or even challenging - please comment below.
Copyright © Gayle Palmer Aligned Later Life
Feb 2018-2027
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